Needless to say, I am a misfit. Who is a misfit?
It is not forever that I have known I am that. Just to be clear, I like that self-coronated label. When I was little, I used to run away at the very sight of “people”. Hiding in my room in dark under a blanket pretending to sleep was what I would do on hearing the house doorbell ring. I did not like festivals because (in India) all they seemed about was noise and hours of talking with weird-looking creatures, “look at those little eyes and big noses!”. The first thing I would do after school was to hit the bed and try to sleep to cure that awfully painful headache that came from being surrounded with so many people of varying heights indulged in a million kinds of things in that big prison of a school. And maybe because I was so far from humans, I was closer to books. Doing homework, making art, practising calligraphy and even watching TV was all I would do with my time. Sport, a highly interactive thing to do, was not my thing obviously. And since everybody around me was completely different from me, including my siblings and my parents who had hoards of friends swarming around them, I always thought there was something wrong about me.
I spent so much time with myself that I was practically convinced I was sick, that I had a rare disease which needed an immediate treatment. I would often imagine what it really meant to be normal. “God! I would give anything to get rid of that stupid ball of feelings inside my brain and hold that wretched bat for once and try hitting that fast paced ball around a gang of normal children.” And try I did. Joining cricket sessions, debates, quizzes, coming out of my shell to talk to guests at home, walking on a street without looking down for once, those kind of things! And all this used to make me feel strange, good-strange not bad-strange. But trying to come out of my zone was an effort each time. And even if it felt good, I would very quickly return to my old self, my equilibrium.
The huge gap between me and humanity has always kept me aloof of their everyday ways of living, their collective habits and the dreams they share. And it was only relatively recently in my life, around 3-4 years ago , I realised that “a part of what I suffered” is called introversion. That I was not sick, that people of my kind comprise a full one-third of this world’s population.
Introverts lose energy when they socialise. Sure, that happens to me. But like I mentioned before, introversion is just one part of me, a part of the misfit that I am. The more I read what people, living or dead, have written for people like me, the more my beliefs get validated. The more I listen to music that people like me write, the more I think whatever that has ever happened to me was “right”. And fuck, that feels good.
Today, I am no more a socially-awkward person. I am confidant about myself, never assuming all what I have learnt is complete but that whatever I have learnt is true. I have almost perfected the art of pretense, of staging a drama, of being in disguise among “people” behind an ever-smiling mask. It is incredibly draining (which is what I am trying to win over) and jaw-hurting but I am doing it quite well day-by-day, however with a constant fear of losing myself to the characters I play, which pains me because if I can lose to beliefs that are not mine, I am not very deep into my own really.
I do not agree with most of the mankind I have been with and probably the most I am going to be with. Contradictions have crowded my social life so much that when a sync happens, I grab onto it and do not let it go, unless of course it is just a play on me.
I am a perpetual victim, I am convinced, of existential crises. However, it is more of a boon than a curse. I think I know where I belong, where I fit, but currently all I can do is write. I am always dreaming, always planning, scared but hopeful, never fully prepared to take the leap but ever on the line. I am a corpse hanging depressed by a loose thread to humanity but trust me, I am smiling.
There is a pleasure in this pain because, being a misfit I see things that others cannot.