I finished watching the popular TV show Bojack Horseman at 10 pm. It is 12:30 am right now. I spent the last two and a half hours agonising over the absurdity of life. I had been really over it once a long time ago because spending my time thinking about it was taking me nowhere. But human mind does not work that way when it comes to sensitive and explosive thoughts like this, does it? You cannot just turn a switch inside your head and stop thinking about it. It was only after dragging this thought for miles and miles into the future that I automatically just stopped giving it attention.
But here it’s again. Right in front of me, staring at my face in full nudity. Gosh! This is painful. I repeated the last three beautiful seasons of the show in my head and then started googling about absurdism of life. Then I found out that this dude Albert Camus and what he had said about the concept. There are only three options for you after you become aware of the absurd.
- Suicide – The easy way out. Quit living.
- Get back to your ugly routine and remain depressed your whole life.
- Get back to your ugly routine but with a smile on your face. Try to create a personal meaning for your life. Basically, become a writer and pen down an exciting story.
To be honest, there might not be a single day in the last two years when I did not give at least one thought to suicide everyday. Life makes no sense, why live it, right? But suicide does not really make sense either. I mean, like Albert Camus said, when you start living your life after accepting the absurd, it does not mean you stop your pursuit of meaning of life. Think about it. It’s like suppose if I (consider my word the word of God) told you that you can never be happy, would you commit suicide or would you live your life without making any efforts to be happy or would you still keep trying knowing that you can never be happy?
Like I said, my last two hours were agonising. Before this, I was very focussed on my goals in life. But suddenly, it all started looking blurry. If everything is so devoid of meaning, why am I working so hard every day of my life? I might as well stop caring about everything and live as a minimalist with a cold heart.
For me, accepting the absurd and living fullest every moment of life are not going together. It’s like pushing a big rock to the top of the mountain only to see it roll back from the top but doing it every day of my life with happiness. But then, the other two options (suicide and being miserable all the time) are not considerable too. So, the only way out is to work on the third option everyday till I get perfect at it.
Let’s make a story out of our lives. Let’s work on our dreams. Let’s build new dreams and seek out the things that give us happiness. Honestly, these motivations sound very empty to me because I just stumbled upon the hard truth if it is the truth in the first place. But, I am willing to experience what this philosophy has in store for me. Does it make things better for me or not?
I am afraid that accepting the meaninglessness of life will make me a monster who doesn’t care about people around him and his career and all that shit that a normal sane person is supposed to do. My head is mush right now. It’s not working at all. I am tired and I NEED ANSWERS! Life does not seem so meaningless when you see a human being standing right next to you with such a complex biological structure. How could such a thing exist without a purpose! But then, if I start thinking about it all again, it will take me nowhere. It’s better to just accept the absurd and try creating art on the blank canvas we all were handed when we were born. It’s the only way to be interested in life.